I am currently sat in a dark room, my eyes beginning to hurt because there is no lightbulb in here, and my lamp recently broke, and my 24″ TFT emits an absurd amount of light. I’m feeling quite depressed. There’s nothing wrong, really, I’m just so incredibly fed up and bored.
My room isn’t particularly big, but then, what bedroom is when you are confined to one room at the age of 19, and have to make room for being a musician, a geek and somebody who likes a particularly large bed?
I’m fed up with this whole job hunt thing. It’s very hard to find a job as a website developer when you’re not a hugely talented website developer. It’s also very hard to find a job as a journalist. It’s hard to find a job in the technology industry in a rural city. Most of all, it’s hard to continue trying to find one of the previously mentioned jobs when you have been trying for nearly 8 months. It’s hard when you have finally given in and started to claim jobseeker’s allowance, and you go to sign on and see the sort of people that are there, and compare yourself to them. Most of them actually look as if they belong there; unemployable, obnoxious, stupid idiots, that really aren’t bothered with doing anything with their life. Then there’s you. Next to them. It’s quite hard not to speculate.
I’ve often wondered if I actually know what I’m good at. I know what I’m okay at. I’m okay at a lot of things. I don’t consider myself fantastically good at anything though, I just think I’m very adaptable. I’m an okay guitarist. I’m an okay website developer. I’m an okay cook. I’m an okay writer. Do you know what you are good at? If you do, I’m jealous.
It would seem that I am stuck in this circle. I want to move out, and to do so I need a job. I want a job, but to be able to actually sit down and study anything without feeling so unmotivated would require a new place to sit down in, which would mean moving out; but to do that I need a job. You can see how this repeats and goes on, can’t you?
I don’t want to get “any” job, because I don’t want “any” job. I want a job that I can enjoy, not a job that makes me feel like I’m working it because I have to, regardless of how temporary it is. Just something acceptable would do. Something slightly creative with a couple of nice people, where I get to learn things every day, and feel like I’m part of something.
I started writing a story earlier. I guess it’s kind of like a dream of the house I live in. I won’t finish it, simply because I’ll lose inspiration and motivation. I’ll sit here in my lightbulbless room, destroying my eyesight, browsing every job site I know of, simply hoping for some luck.
A thick, wooden black door stands in front of you. In some places the paint is scratched and chipped, and generally looks as if it has been on the door for a long time. Never the less, the door looks perfectly reasonable. A number 9, carved out of some sort of metal – you never were much of a metal specialist – is nailed to the door, level with your eyes. Level with your waist is an off-gold colour letterbox; you imagine it opens and closes respectably, but you feel no need to further explore this theory.
Opening the door reveals a hallway, the walls of which gradiate from pale blue to ocean blue. A scintillating floor of shiny, polished wood extends to the stairs at the end of the hallway, and under the doors on either side. A sweet smell of incense flutters past your nose, and generally gives the whole place quite an inviting feel.
Life really sucks at times.
You should have the lamp!
What I’m okay at and what I enjoy (arty farty stuff) is what I do when I’m not working. I’ve never been lucky enough (or good enough) to do those things in a job. What I’m good at job-wise (sales, customer service) actually bores me to tears. I’m 40 and still haven’t found the job of my dreams…I think you’re a very lucky person indeed if you manage to combine the two.
Regarding your list of what you’re okay at….I hope you think writing comes before cooking!
Dan, have you thought about TEFL? Just a thought. There are loads of schools around here…there would be plenty of work. It’s good money, probably lots of fun, you’d meet loads of new people…and it would give you the opportunity to travel almost anywhere in the world. The course is only about £300 and combines a weekend intensive course (in Exeter) with home study. You’d have it wrapped up in a few months. Look into it!
I’m good at adding shit up. A mental Arithmeticist?! I do the Accounting because I’m good at it, although it is hella tedious at times. I no doubt need to move on to the next level and do something that challenges me more…
… moving away in the summer means finding a job. Urgently. I cannot have no job, it would mean me and Sophie would be out on our ear(s). But in my line of work, with my experience, I’m lucky enough to be able to walk into most jobs up there. Apparently. Time will tell if Comapnies share my Reed Accountancy recruiter’s optimism!
Heh, I’m quite good at adding up. Where do I sign up?
Where abouts are you moving to? Haven’t really spoken to you for a while. I’m sure you’ll walk into something no problem – you’ve got a whole ton of experience behind you, amongst the various skills and knowledge you posess.
Good luck with it all, mate.
I’d carry on with the story, creative writing encourages constant revision, it’s a means to your own end…I have no time to do it full time, but I’m *slowly* doing the same sort of thing as an escape.
Hrm, no html then…perhaps you can fix that! ;)
http://miskatonicoceanography.blogspot.com/
Hehe, yeah, I should probably. Thanks for the link, I’ll be sure to check it out.
I’ve already given my advice about your story, but part of me wants to write it here, soley so that other people can see it and I can, well, show off my critic skills or something like that, but thinking about it a bit more, it’s ridiculous.
If you just keep trying, in as many different ways as you want, it will improve. Like I’m okay at photography and art, and gradually I’m getting recognition, or can see it on the horizon, my exibitions getting slightly better each time.
You can sit in a radically different atmosphere to put yourself in an unexpected frame of mind just for fun, like I do, and that will help you think about jobs and stuff I’m sure.
Please put your music on the internet, that would be cool x
Yeah, that’s the one thing I am constantly striving; a different atmosphere. Thing is, when I try to work at a friend’s house, or something, I get distracted by wanting to socialise and generally relax. Oh how I want to move out…
I’ll put my music online at some point, probably when I have written and recordered more of it.
Thank you for your comments :)