I hate figures of speech. They are the verbal bullet wounds that plague this world with their rhetorical inconsistency. They annoy me.

I was on the bus earlier and the idiots behind me were talking about what they had bought at the shop recently. One of them said:

“I bought 3 DVDs for a tenner. You can’t beat that.”

I must have been in a ‘great, let’s get irritated by someone who probably puts an apostrophe in the word “DVDs”‘ mood, because I got annoyed by it. I was so tempted to turn around and say:

“Well actually I could beat that. So there. That’s what you get for being an idiot and saying such a stupid thing”

Every time I’m on the bus without my headphones on I always get off at my stop with less respect and appreciation for the human race and more hatred for children and single parents.

I am going to make it a life goal to give a short yet witty reply to every figure of speech I hear that is aimed at me. The next person who says “I’ve told you a thousand times” will be punished.

Yes I like my italic formatting. It’s nice.