We all have to buy at least one card for someone during the course of a year. Often we will buy lots of cards, for varying different occasions. Mother’s day, Father’s day, Christmas, birthdays, get well soon, congratulations, etc.

I was buying cards for Mother’s day yesterday. One for my Mum, one for my Nan. It occured to me that all of the cards are the same. They just have a different picture, colour scheme, and the words are synonyms of the words on the card next to it.

I think a band such as Slayer should manufacture a line of celebratory cards. Something with text like:

“May you rot in the pits of hell whilst I feast on the flesh of your despair. Happy Mother’s day!”

I mean, sure, not many people would go for it – but it would add a real kick to the day. All of these soppy and teeth-grittingly cheesy cards are begining to piss me off. Somebody needs to do something new.

I mean, who had the oh-so clever idea to populate these cards with sickening words. There’s nothing wrong with saying something nice, don’t get me wrong, but there’s no need to make every card contain the poetry of the traditional dying person, madly in love with some woman who he can’t have. They really need to tone it down on cards a bit.

Pretty picture. Simple text. Done.

I guess the solution, really, is to make your own card… but I’m too lazy for that.

Other than the 15 minutes I wasted looking around card shops for cards that didn’t make me want to chainsaw the nearest person into a nice bloody pile on the floor, when I was on the bus into town, it stopped in the traffic, outside the sex shop. Nothing special to see, really, as the windows are covered with blinds. But due to the height of the bus, and the fact we were going up the hill, and the door to the shop is in an alcove, I couldn’t see the whole of the sign above the door. Unfortunately I didn’t have my camera with me at the time, as it would have made an amusing picture… but basically, because of the angle differences, etc. I couldn’t see the “No” at the top of the sign. So from my point of view, the sign read:

“Under 18s permitted”

After that, I was walking through town, up to the internet café, when I saw a Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tube Man (Family Guy) on top of Debenhams. That really made my day.