Felt like posting a diary entry here, not entirely sure why.
My life, at the moment, is having serious ups or downs… There isn’t an inbetween bit. Funnily, the really ‘up’ moments are when I’m not at home, and the really ‘down’ moments are when I’m at home.
I hate this house. I hate it more than any house I’ve ever lived in, and I’ve lived in a fair amount of houses for someone my age. I hate being here, and when I am here I’m such a different person to how I should be. This house reminds me of depression, hostility and axniety. Primarily because a lot of hostility has taken place here, and I’ve always been unahppy living here, and anxious to get away. Having my blind down reminds me of the 3 or so months I spent not even knowing what the weather was like outside, and I still haven’t regained track of time.
When I’m here I get so easily irritated, and I do reflect it upon other people, which I am sorry for. Every day my cat sits outside my door, meowing because he wants to come in. I hear it between the breaks in music and that slowly irritates me more and more, to the point where I feel like kicking a hole in the door, big enough for it to get through.
Recently I’ve been going to Dave’s internet café, which I’ve really enjoyed. It’s been somewhere to go where I can still use a PC, and do what I’d do at home, yet I don’t have to put up with the irritations I get at home. I can go next door and get some food, walk down to the foreign shop and get a couple of Pepsis and it feels like a completely different word. Whereas when I’m here, I just return to my anxious, materialistic self and internally scream about how much I hate this life.
Did I mention I’m a materialistic person? I am. I don’t like to be, and I don’t let on that I am. My materialistic mannerism lies in the computing industry, so it’s not universal. Although, the thought of having lots of new things in every aspect is nice, but I’m sure all people think that. But no, I always design PCs on the internet; a technological dream in my head of having all of the power and enjoyment. One day it’ll happen?
I’m getting more and more annoyed recently, since my laptop broke, simply because I’m having to do two PCs worth of work on my only computer, and because of that I can no longer play the video games I used to play, simply because the PC can’t handle it. This really gets to me, and is another reason why I go to Dave’s; because I can do that there.
Been trying to get a job recently. Finally given into the norm of English reality, however it’s not going so greatly. I guess I’m assuming that an income will fund my wants and needs, and from that I’ll be a happier person, no doubt I’ll be proved wrong by the government, or something.
So really, all I can do now is sit here with my insomnia (yeah, I suffer insomnia), listening to music on my headphones, because I wouldn’t want to annoy the oh-so precious neighbours, or anyone that happens to be in the house… Using instant messaging programs and communicating with all of the people I wish I could be with. I’m meant to be designing a website for a friend’s band, but my skill doesn’t extend to requirement, so I’ve kinda given up. I’m terrible at paying attention to online lessons. I find it hard to learn from text; I need to be communicating with someone.
So much is annoying me right now, yet I get away from it when I’m out… Unfortunately I can’t be out all the time, and even if I was I’m sure that’d end up becoming a monotonous routine.
At the turn of this year I sat in my room looking at the stars playing my favourite song at the time (Pink Floyd- Comfortably Numb)… I was willing that this year would be better than the one that had just past… So far it’s been much worse. I told a friend of mine that July the 27th of this year would change my life… No reason why I said that, but I’m waiting to see if fate does something about it.
Don’t really have much else to say.